Oh, Edward
by ImNotAddicted
Summary: Bella is stressed. She is ready to find her stress relief in Edward.
1. Chapter 1

**On December 17, 2013, Megschemegg (iambeagle) and I started a conversation on Twitter that led to one of the best plot bunnies ever. Last week I was stuck in a boring three hour class (without able to use any technology), so I took out my notebook and a pen, and I wrote. I sent it to her and she told me I HAD to post it, so here we are.**

**Thank you Meg for having the weirdest conversation with me. Happy Birthday! Also the biggest thank you to Vicanlp for editing this huge grammar fail.**

**Even though I write for journalism, this is my first work of fiction ever. Hopefully you enjoy it.**

**By the way, Stephanie Meyer if you're reading this, I don't own it.**

* * *

It was 5:30 p.m. on a Friday, the weekly happy hour and bitch-fest with the girls.

"And do you know how hard it was to keep my eyes open during that three-hour meeting? It's like Jack is obsessed with the nasty sound of his monotone voice. Ugh," Rosalie said. She was an executive at a biomedical engineering firm

"Well at least you got to sit down. Marilyn had me running around the office, getting proofs, and making sure everything was okay for the photoshoot on Monday. Not to mention I was wearing 5-inch pumps," Alice said. " And then Ben was sick at school, so I had to pick him up and then wait for Jasper get home. Let's just say Marilyn wasn't amused I had taken an hour and a half lunch. Work and mommy responsibilities suck sometimes, " she sighed, and then banged her head on the bar table, which probably had residue of herpes or poop.

I sighed. My turn.

"Well, I might have an ulcer, I haven't had a full night of sleep in two weeks, and I might make a wig from all the hair that has fallen out of my head, but we finished the campaign and pitched it. I have decided that this weekend is dedicated to sleep, drool, and fluffy pajamas.

Rosalie opened her mouth, but I slapped my hand on the table and sat up straighter.

"Oh wait , I forgot to add: the boss-douche sent out the Forbes 'Most Stressful Jobs' list and highlighted PR executive. _As a joke_. Yeah, ha-ha, asshole, good one. Doing your job for you while you get all the credit is _hilarious_. I am done. Dunzo hermano!"

I finished my rant by taking the biggest gulp of my wine. When I put my glass down, Rosalie and Alice stared at me with their pity-eyes . They know I hate my job and boss.

"Guys, stop staring at me like that. Just because I don't have my dream job like you two doesn't mean my life is over. Maybe this is a sign I need to do my 'Next Big Move,' whatever the fuck that means," I sighed. Life was hard. I kind of wanted to go back to the dingy apartment I had during college and hide.

Rosalie interrupted my pity fest.

"You know what you need? A good, sweet, funny boyfriend."

"Who can understand your sarcasm and bathroom humor," Alice said, adding her two cents.

"Yes! Lord knows you've driven men away with you poop jokes."

"Hey, poop is something that every human being has in common. Sorry if I want to go a safe route on breaking the ice. I learned my lesson when I talked about my love of steak with that PETA activist and super vegan dude. That was awkward."

Rose and Al gave me the 'you need help' look.

"All I'm saying is that you need a man to go home to at night, who would relive that stress. You know I put Emmett to good use. Actually, tonight is our date night. I'm going to climb that like a tree tonight. Unf."

Rosalie publicly made an unf sound in a bar. I needed new best friends.

"Umm, ok. First of all, TMI. I can't deny Emmett is handsome, but I don't want to picture you and your husband fucking. Brain bleach, please."

"Well I put Jazz to good use as well. But it has to be when the kids let us. Just last Tuesday, me and Jazz were doing our thing, oh man so good." I thought I saw Alice's eye glaze over. "Then Emma knocked on our door because she had a tummy ache. I seriously started wishing three-year-olds knew how to take Pepto Bismal. Sexual frustration is the worst. I don't know how you do it, Bella."

I rolled my eyes. Alice was always so over dramatic.

"B, I'm just saying that you haven't had a dude in forever and you should have one, for reasons. Look, all you have to do is say the word and I'll contact Jason, Emmett's coworker, the one that came to our Labor Day barbeque."

"You mean the lawyer that scratches his balls every 10 minutes? Sure, he can hold a conversation, but do I really want to get crabs?"

Alice snorted and added, "Stop being mean, Bella. You know there is medication for crabs."

Rosalie had the annoyed face. Man, this conversation wasn't going well. I really wanted to stop talking about my lack of love and sex life.

"Anyway, before you start calling every single dick you know, you should know I have a date… tonight."

"Are you serious?!"

"Why didn't you tell us this first?"

"What's his name?"

"What does he do?"

"How does he look? Can we stalk him on Facebook?"

"Um, no. His name is Edward. We just met. Tonight is our get-to-know-each-other date."

"Where did you meet?"

"By the Subways on Lemerand Road."

Alice smiled. "The one near the sex shop and the Kinkos?"

"That's the one. I have a feeling he's going to take my mind off my stress and work problems, even if it's for a short time. He look's great. Lots of potential." I felt my cheeks go warm.

"Yay! Well I am so happy for you. I am crossing my fingers that it works out." Rosalie looked content.

"Thanks guys, I'm excited. I should actually get going so I can get ready."

"Yes! You should wear that new dress you got at Ann Taylor. Oh and don't forget to wear the lingerie you bought at Victoria's Secret. You never know if you get lucky. And remember if you need a cop-out, like if he starts picking his nose and eating his boogers, just text 9-1-1 and I'll get Emma to call you, pretending to be sick and in need of her godmother."

I laughed. "Thanks, Alice."

**-oh-**

Dinner had been delicious. You can never go wrong with Italian food. Now we were getting to the main course. It was going so well.

When Edward entered me, I felt complete.

I was breathing heavy and starting to sweat. If I was going to be getting the D on the regular maybe I should start sounding less like a hyena.

"So. Full."

I am also very coherent during sexual acts.

But seriously, I hadn't felt this good in a long time. I couldn't control my moans and I didn't care if my neighbors heard through the thin walls. Lord knows I've hear 70-year-old Mr. and Mrs. Lansinger getting their groove on many times.

Edward was going deep and hitting that spot that made my toes curl.

"Oh man. Edward. I'm gonna…I'm gonna…"

Then I was gone. I don't care how cliché it sound, but I felt weightless. For a minute, my mind didn't think about work, my boss, the future and bills. He was a keeper for sure if he could give me this feeling on the regular. He had given me the best orgasm ever.

When I felt okay to function, I pulled him out and wipe him off, then placed him in the drawer, promising to see him again tomorrow night.

* * *

**The second part will go up sometime this week. (Oh, yeah there's more.)**

**Thank you for reading.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello again. This was all one big one shot but I decided to break it up into three parts. Here is part two of this silly story.**

**Thank you again to Megschemegg for this plot bunny and for binding me into a weird contract. Also big thanks to Vicanlp for editing the 15612325 grammar errors.**

**Hope you enjoy it. I don't own the characters, Stephanie Meyer does.**

* * *

Monday morning came too soon. I had spent a great relaxing weekend, mostly due to Edward. I knew the moment I saw him on that shelf, he looked like an Edward: powerful, nice, and regal.

But now I was back in my little cubical, reading all of my emails and cursing myself for giving up coffee.

"Tea is better. Tea is better," I quietly chanted.

"Swan! Team meeting at 11:30 a.m. in conference room B. Don't be late," screamed Chad Norman, my idiot of a boss.

When he walked away, I bowed my head.

"Jesus, grant my patience and strength to not hit this assbag today. Amen."

For the rest of the morning I kept responding to emails and making sure the campaign we pitched on Friday was ready to be implemented next week.

At 11:27 a.m. I walked into the conference room along with the other members of my team. Angela, Colin, Ben, Eric, and I all worked under Chad, but everyone knew we did everything ourselves with no input from the idiot.

Chad, other supervisors, and a handsome guy I had never seen before walked into the office at 11:34. So much for punctuality.

"We're behind schedule so let's get to it. I will be working on a big campaign with a team in our London branch. This account is bringing in millions of dollars to the company, so they chose the best and brightest to work on it." Chad looked so smug.

I turned my head to the side and rolled my eyes. I hoped he'd work his ass off, and become as stressed and overwhelmed as I felt every time we worked on an account. I hoped he fell flat on his ass. You could tell I was just a bit bitter.

He continued to speak.

"Consequently, I will be out of the office for at least four months. Since you five are entry-level account specialist, you will need someone to supervise your work and progress, because let's be hones t, sometimes you need it."

I looked across the table to Angela. She pretended to gag, because could this guy be any more pompous?

"The directors and I concluded that my replacement should come from within the company. That's why when we received Masen's transfer request from our Chicago office, we were thrilled. So, Masen stand up and introduce yourselves to your workers."

I wasn't anyone's worker. Maybe all Chad needed was a swift punch in the face from me so he could get some sense. The new guy stood up from his chair and faced us.

"Hi guys, I'm Masen Cullen. I was an account executive in Chicago. I graduated from Northwestern Medill School of Journalism. I've worked in P.A. Barley Integrated Marketing for nine years. I worked as a journalist and graphic designer for a few years and then made the switch to integrated marketing where I fell in love with public relations. I am really excited to work _with _you guys, I've seen some of the work you five have produced and I am impressed."

He made an emphasis on 'with.' I just met the dude and he already had my upmost respect. Kudos, bro.

There was an awkward silence when he finished until Angela spoke. Bless her.

"Welcome Mr. Cullen. My name is Angela Weber, I graduate from the University of Florida with a degree in Public Relations. I've been working at P.A. Barley for two years. I am also excited to work _with_ you."

Angela looked at me trying to communicate with her eyes that I should introduce myself.

"Hi, I'm Bella Swan, I have worked at P.A. Barley for four years. I have a degree in Public Relations with a concentration in public interest communications. I love my dog, Bobby, long walks on the beach, and sleep," I said with some enthusiasm.

Ben, Colin, and Eric also introduced themselves, and by the end of introductions, Mr. Cullen had a smile on his face.

"Well, I guess that's all. I will no longer be responding your questions about the new Pantene campaign; any concerns take them up with Masen. Get to work and I'll see y'all in four months."

Goodbye. Hasta la vista. Don't let the door hit ya, where the lord split ya. I won't miss you, Chad.

**-oh-**

It was 7 p.m. when I was finally able to pack up my purse and shut down my computer. Almost everyone had left the building. I had volunteered to stay late and organize all the research we would need for tomorrow's brainstorming session.

As I stepped onto the elevator, I decided I needed Edward tonight. Only he could make me feel better right now. I leaned my head back against the elevator walls and waited for the doors to close. But then the elevator jostled as another person entered. I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was Mr. Cullen's green eyes.

"Oh hi, Mr. Cullen. I didn't know you were still working."

"Yeah, I have a lot of stuff to get caught up on if I want to stay sane," he chuckled. "Oh, and call me Masen, everyone does."

"Okay, Masen." I smiled. Masen was such a good name. I liked regal names like Edward, Harry, William, but Masen was old but very modern. Also it sounded like a hot dude's name, which Masen was.

"I was going to go to dinner across the street, at that Mexican place. I don't have any food or kitchen ware at home so I am surviving on take out till I get settled in. Would you like to join me?"

I considered saying yes and potentially having the cliché movie scene where I go to dinner and fall in love with him and let him know that even though he is my boss, I'd still bang him hard. But I decided I better not. Not only did I not want a relationship at the moment (too much work and plus I had Edward to satisfy my needs), Masen was my new supervisor who I knew nothing about. What if there were awkward pauses while I ate my chicken quesadilla, and I said my poop and fart jokes? This dude could be one of those uppity up ' I never poop or talk about my bowel movements' people and be offended. I could get fired. Yup, I wasn't going to risk it.

"No, I better not. I have to go feed Bobby anyway. My dog. Bobby, my dog who lives with me." Bella Swan, forever awkward.

I shouldn't have looked at his face while I said no. He looked rejected for a moment and then composed himself. I was now heartbreaker. I was the worst of the worst.

"Okay. No pressure. Maybe some other time? How about Friday, 6:30?"

"Ummm… I have plans Friday with my friends. Maybe some other time."

"Oh, okay."

Cue the awkward silence. Thankfully the doors opened at that second. I ran out. I looked back and said, "Have a nice weekend!" I wasn't a complete bitch.

That night Edward came in handy, literally.

**-oh-**

"So tell us about your date? I'm sorry I couldn't call you Saturday to get full report, but Emmett had me…umm…quite busy and then in-laws came. But come on spill."

"Yeah, Bella, I've been covered in puke for over five days. I need a pick me up. Also, when can we meet him?"

"Oh, I know, you should bring him on Tuesday for our 4th of July barbeque. It's a relaxed environment, just friends and family."

Shit. I couldn't say no to Rosalie but I couldn't bring Edward to a barbeque, because who would bring a dildo to a pool party? I needed to act quickly but cautiously.

"Um, actually guys, I think Edward is more like friend material. He was amazing but there was something missing." Like a body.

"Oh well that's perfect. Jason will be at the party, and if you're still scared of his crabs, I can make Emmett invite his other single coworker, Chuck."

Crabby Jason? Chucky? How about no. This wasn't working. I needed something to get Rose and Al off my back.

"No! You don't have to do that. I can bring someone. He's new at work and actually asked me out this week. He wanted to go out tonight but since I bailed early last week, I didn't want to cut our bitch fest early this week. Our first date can be your party, I guess."

"OMG, what's his name?"

"What does he do?"

"How does he look? Can we stalk him on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn?"

"Slow your rolls, you creeps. One question at a time. First his name is Masen. He's the guy that's taking over Chad. He's really hot, green eyes, dark blonde hair. He was sweet to everyone in the team and is actually a hard worker. And no, you can't stalk him. We haven't even gone out yet."

"Yay. Bella-bee bouncing back into the dating game like Beyonce!"

"Alice, that doesn't even make sense."

"I was trying to alliterate, Bella!"

"Seriously Alice? But whatever, B, I am so happy. Maybe he'll be the one, or maybe he'll just be the one to give you the life-changing orgasms."

Edward had already given me life-changing orgasms. I managed to save this one. Now came the hard part: asking Masen to come with me to a party.

* * *

**Yup. One more part to go.** **You can blame megschmegg and her crazy (genius) ideas. It should be up on Thursday.**

**Thank you again for reading.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Here we are. The final part of this story. **

**Thank you to all that have read it. I seriously didn't think anyone would read it (except Megschemegg because she likes weird things). So thank you.**

**I hope you all liked Bella and Edward, the dildo. Bella and Edward, an OTP, even when one of them is a sex toy. Let me know your thoughts in the reviews.**

**Once again, huge thanks to Meg who came up with 69% of this plot bunny. Also big thanks to Vicanlp for being a grammar queen and providing the best feedback.**

* * *

I considered texting Masen on Saturday to the cell phone number he gave the team. During our first brainstorming meeting, he did say that we could call him for anything at anytime. He was 'here to help us,' and I needed help. I was almost 30 years old and I couldn't stand up to my friends about my love life. Pathetic.

Edward kept me company Saturday and Sunday, when I wasn't working at home and running errands. Edward and I took our relationship to a whole new level; I took him to the shower for the first time. He worked perfectly. God bless the person who invented water-resistant toys.

On Monday morning, I rode the elevator up while giving myself a pep talk. I needed to ask Masen, potentially beg him, to come with me to the party on Tuesday. I reminded myself that if Masen went, I could tell Rosalie and Alice afterward that it didn't work out, maybe that he's weird and my boss, and that I needed to put off dating for a while.

Logical.

Today, the five us and Masen were writing up a plan using the research we gathered up for the campaign. I told myself that when we took the break for lunch, I would catch him and just blurt my request out.

The entire morning I felt constipated. I was trying to word the question in my head.

'Hey, boss man, I need you to come with me to a 4th of July party. If you don't, I will die.'

'Oh, um, Masen? Remember how I rejected you last week and you probably called me a bitch in your head? Yeah I need to take that back and ask if you would accompany me to a barbeque tomorrow?'

'Yo, yo, yo, my man! You gots plans tomorrow for the 4th of July? No? Then come with me to a partay, my brother!'

Yeah, no. This is why I was in love with Edward, my dildo, not a dude with an actual penis.

By the time everyone decided that it was time for lunch, I really didn't know what to say. I decided to wing it. That's why when Masen was walking out of our meeting room, I rushed to him and said the first thing that came to mind.

"Pudding!"

"What?"

"Sorry, I just need to break the ice," I chuckled. "But I really need to ask you for a _huge_ personal favor and I hope you don't get offended. I am really not trying to insult you or insinuate you're a hermit with no social life. And you don't have to agree to do this, although I would really, _really_, appreciate it. I know I rejected you last week, but please, I would like to take it back and…"

"Bella, stop, you're rambling," he interrupted. "Is this personal favor, sex? Money for a loan shark? Someone to go to with you to a One Direction concert?

If it hadn't been for the large grin on his face, I would've though he was serious, and consequently died. He had a sense of humor.

"You know about One Direction? Liam or Harry? You know what? Forget it, it's beside the point. The favor I need to ask from you is for you to come with me to my best friend's 4th of July barbeque. And yes, it would be like a date, but just know that if I don't take you, I will be pushed toward a dude that has crabs, who I never want to date. You don't have to kiss me or act all lovey dovey with me. I should also mention that there will be an insane amount of free alcohol and food. Free..."

"I'll go."

"For real? I mean, don't you have plans with your family and friends? Not that I think you're all alone in the world or something."

"My family actually lives two hours away but they are on vacation in Hawaii, so I was going to spend the day unpacking and decorating my condo."

"Oh my God, bless your family's absence. It just saved my life."

He chuckled. He had such a sexy chuckle, deep and rough.

"It would be my pleasure to go. I'll pick you up at your place and then we can go to the party. Just text me your address and pick up time and I'll be there, okay?"

I felt such relief and joy that I t ackled him in a hug. I was going to reward myself tonight by going swimming with Edward in my bathtub.

**-oh-**

The 4th of July party was going great. Rosalie and Alice had given me two thumbs up and a hip thrust when they met Masen.

Masen was actually a charming social butterfly. He befriended Emmett and Jasper five seconds after they met. He was also very attentive and had given me a peck on the lips when Rosalie was staring at us playing in the pool. Masen totally exfoliated his lips because they were so soft and smooth. I told him it wasn't necessary, but I wasn't going to stop him. It was a free country and if he wanted to kiss me, more power to him.

If that wasn't enough to make him awesome, he played in the pool with Emma and Ben. A hot guy playing with kids was hot. It made me wonder what his flaw was. Was he addicted to porn? Did he suck his toes? What if he had erectile dysfunction?

When more guest started arriving mid-day, we continued to mingle. Masen and I were in a conversation with Emmett, Jason and a couple of their colleagues, when my life changed.

"Yeah I went to Northwestern for undergrad and stay in the city for work. I didn't have that much of student debt…"

"Wait, you went to Northwestern for undergrad? So did I. Oh my god! You're Edward Masen! I knew I recognized you. It's me, Jason 'Beer Pong King' Lowe. How are you doing man?"

"Oh, hey. Yeah I thought you looked familiar. I'm good. So you came here for law school? Still shocked you even got in, man," laughed Masen. No, Edward. _Edward._

"Your name is _Edward_?"

"Yeah. My full name is Edward Masen Cullen, but I go by Masen. Why? What's wrong?" He looked concerned.

"Um. Edward. Umm that's my... my aunt's... neighbor's...cousin's dog's name. It's pretty."

"Uhh, okay, I guess," Masen, Edward, whatever his name was, didn't looked convinced. I needed to get away. I was feeling flushed and turned on.

"Excuse me, I have to go poop or something. Bye."

When I got into the bathroom, put my head against the door. This was such a weird coincidence. How can the guy I kinda like have the same name as the toy I am in love with? My life deserved a reality show.

I had to be honest, Masen having the same name as the thing that was providing me with the best satisfaction I have gotten in a long time was sexy. Really sexy.

**-oh-**

The rest of the party went perfect. Masen, who told me to continue calling him Masen after I moaned out Edward, blended well into my group of friends. He had even made plans with a couple of people to play basketball at the gym. I was glad he wasn't lonely in the city anymore. He had been attentive with me, rubbing my back and bringing me drinks when I didn't want to get up from my seat. I was tipsy but content and glowing.

Masen was driving back to my apartment and all I could do was sit sideways on the passenger seat and stare at his sexy face and his forearms flex. I wanted to rub my thighs together. I was going to get laid tonight, with either Edward.

When we arrived to building, Masen swiftly parked and turned to me. He grabbed my neck and pushed me forward until our lips met. There was nothing going to stop me from attacking him now. I sucked on his lips and he pushed his tongue inside of my mouth. We played tug-of war for almost five minutes until he broke away.

"I wanted to that all day," he said as he smiled. "Actually, I've wanted to do that ever since you introduced your love for your dog, Bobby in that first meeting."

"Come upstairs with me, please?"

"Let's go before someone reports us for public indecency," he laughed.

After I checked that Bobby had eaten and done his business, I rushed Masen into the room.

We both tried to shed our clothing while keeping our lips locked, but I realized it wasn't an easy feat like Hollywood liked to portray. When we were naked, I was in awe of his body. All that lean muscle was beautiful. I needed to touch his body all night long. That was when this Edward won over the Edward in my drawer.

"I'm so glad you have a body, I mean that you have a great body, that I can touch like this."

"Me too."

We continued to kiss, touch and explore. When he put his weight on me, he asked me if I was ready. Even though I felt high and out of it, I remembered something important.

"Wait. Condom. Bedside table. Top drawer."

Masen reached over to grab a condom, but I should've known he would find Edward.

"Bella, is this yours? I mean…you play with yourself…touch yourself with this?"

I swore I felt his eyes get darker and his erection go harder against my thigh.

"Yes," I said in a small, breathy voice. I couldn't handle seeing Edward Masen holding Edward Dildo. It was the sexiest thing my eyeballs have seen.

"Shit," he moaned as he leaned down to capture my lips once again. "You don't know how incredibly sexy that is. All I am imagining right now is you, playing with yourself and coming. Can I try something with you?"

"Yes."

He leaned back on his knees and pushed my legs apart. He turned on the vibrator and pushed it towards my slit, letting my lips and clit feel the vibrations. Then he pushed it inside. By then I couldn't stop my moans and panting.

"Fuck. Masen. Edward. So. Good."

Thankfully, I was able to control my hyena noises as he pushed Edward inside and out.

"You look so beautiful, Bella, writhing in pleasure."

I couldn't stop it. The pressure that both Edwards had created became overwhelming and I just had to let go. My back arched and I closed my eyes tight.

When I started regaining awareness, Masen had lined up his cock and pushed it inside. I was sensitive and couldn't help moan really loud.

"Is this okay?" Masen said as breathed very heavy.

"It's perfect."

When he started thrusting, I wrapped my legs around his waist. It was something I was unable to do with Edward. As he sped up, I quickly felt the pressure building up again.

"Oh my god. Bella. You feel so _good_."

"Don't stop. Please. _Please _don't."

When his thrusts became erratic I knew he was close. Thankfully I was right behind him.

His body became tense and he moaned my name. I came right after him. It was such intense orgasm, that my body tensed and arched so hard, it hurt.

As we laid in bed, panting and recovering from the amazing sex, I wondered if real-person Edward Masen was too good to be true. He probably pooped with the door open or was an organic food snob. I decided that it was now my duty to find out as we hung out more and had great sex. This could be a fun adventure, but I knew I needed to know something before I mentally committed to this thing.

"Masen? What do you think about poop and fart jokes?"

"I think bathroom humor is hilarious because it involves nasty universal acts every person does," he said as he turned his body facing me and smiled.

"Oh, okay."

I snuggled closer to him and smiled. I knew I had a new Edward I could fall in love with, only this time he was able to snuggle with me and was bigger than 9 inches .

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**Thank you all for reading my first work of fiction.**

**xo Sara**


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